Family Friendly

            Thought the Queen: Heavens it’s chilly. If I’m so bloody divine, why can’t I control the weather for my own Diamond Jubilee River Pageant? I do suppose that Oxo, Spick, and Span are enjoying frolicking in the Palace garden. They do like to like to get muddy in the rain; Silly dogs. The Queen stiffened as she sauntered toward the front of the barge, as Prince Phillip waddled closely behind. “At least no one can hear you from here,” she mumbled to her husband.

            “What’s that, my love?” he asked earnestly.

“Nothing dearest. ...Dreadful weather.”

“Mmm. Yes, dreadful.”

If one wanted to honor 60 odd-years of my reign, one would let me go on holiday to Hawai’i again. Having me endure four hours of the Thames’ stench in view of all these obsequious commoners—like it’s my funeral wake—it’s more like they’re testing how much longer I can take this. I should have abdicated. “Remember Hawai’i, Phillip dear?

“Of course, my love! Splendid country. Except for all those Pakis.”

“They’re Polynesian, dear.”

“Whatever.”

 Elizabeth had decided that complaining would not make today any more pleasant; and that Phillip was an idiot; As the boat approached the banks of Battersea Park, she did her wave; She turned to the left; She did her wave again; And tried her very best to crack a smile—until she heard Camilla’s voice.

“Your majesty!” she ingratiated. “Have you lost weight?”

“No, Camilla. I’m 85,” she pronounced, irritated. “I’ve given up on my figure, and by the looks of it, so have you dear.”

Bite your tongue, thought Camilla. She forced a nervous giggle. “You are too much, your Majesty.” Just a few more months; Just a few more months…. Of course, Camilla had been telling herself that for the past 10 years. But then again, she pondered, it worked with Diana. God, it’s frigid; I wonder if she knows that I’ve been trying to kill her. (Camilla had dropped cyanide into Her Majesty’s tea when they visited Wales earlier that week. She still felt sorry about the poor butler who tasted it first.)

Having shown herself to the river banks from every angle of the barge, Princess Kate returned to the royal box. Camera whore, thought Camilla. Diana wannabe, pondered the Queen.

Kate sensed tension, but no more than usual. She always suspected that neither Camilla nor the Queen approved of her lifestyle; But she marched on; She was a soldier; The fame was worth it. She has six million friends on Facebook, and her YouTube channel had one million subscribers. “What a splendid day!” she Tweeted on her rhinestoned iPhone before the Queen.

“Must you click away right now, my sweet,” asked Her Majesty.

“Oh my, sincerest apologies, mum,” Kate shrieked.

The old bag would tweet too, if she ever knew what the internet was, Kate pondered. Although I give Phillip credit; He learned how to IM his friends in the BNP. …I wonder if bright red was the way to go today. Perhaps neon yellow would have been more noticeable.

When I was first told to write a passage in the style of Virginia Woolfe, I decided to confront a theme that was present in nearly every book we’ve read besides Mrs. Dalloway. The theme of women against women is one we’ve discussed and read about many times.

The 3 characters in my narrative are all exaggerated characters. They are stereotypes in the sense that they are what we believe most royals are, snobby and pretentious. They represent not only what we think of royals, but also what women think of each other.

In The Beauty Myth, Naomi Wolf says that, “beauty thinking urges women to approach each other as possible adversaries until they know they are friends”, which is exactly what the women in my narrative are doing (Wolf 75).

Naomi Wolf goes on to describe the relationship between women who are strangers, she says that “Though women have networks of intimate friends, the myth, and women’s conditions until recently, have kept women from learning how to do something that makes all male social change possible: How to identify with unknown other women in a way that ins not personal.” (Wolf 75).

Mary Wollstonecraft also believes that women are one of the major factors constricting women’s rights. In A Vindication of the Rights of Woman she says, “I do not wish them (women) to have power over men; but over themselves.”(Wollstonecraft 70).

This theme isn’t limited to the non-fiction books we’ve read this year. In The Handmaid’s Tale, Aunts train Handmaids for their jobs. "The Aunts are allowed to read and write." Whereas all handmaids must be kept away from the sin that is literacy (Atwood 100).

            Women holding women back is a serious issue that many of the authors we’ve read this year are concerned about. However, it is one that needs to be addressed on a wider scale in order to educate more people on the topic.